I’m a man of world class tastes who will settle for nothing less than a world class grocery shopping experience. I’ve got standards, baby. Luckily for me, there is a regional supermarket chain that serves my world class needs: Big Y World Class Market.
“What makes this market so world class?” you might ask, right before stuffing your head back up your own ass. EVERYTHING, you twit. Now stop embarrassing yourself.
This is my list of the Top 9 Things to Do at Your World Class, Neighborhood Market: Big Y.
#9 – Visit the Bottle Redemption
I don’t recycle. I find it’s way more effective to just burn all of my garbage in a bonfire in my back yard. I’m an environmentalist. Bottom line – I refuse to contribute to our growing landfills. Plastic may be non-biodegradable, but it is super flammable. We all have to do our part preserving Mother Earth, you know?
If you don’t have a yard or access to fire, the bottle redemption is a good place to bring your garbage. You get to use these cool machines that crush your trash and, for some reason, you end up getting paid to do so. Sounds like a scam to me, so you might want to use some caution when visiting the bottle redemption. Do your own research beforehand and trust your instincts. Remember: if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.
#8 – Select the Right Cart
Sometimes, you pull out the last cart in the stack and there, in the basket, is a piece of paper that the last cart-user carelessly left behind. Sometimes it’s a grocery list. Sometimes it’s a receipt. Occasionally, it’s a goddamn napkin.
If this happens, there is only ONE course of action to take. Push that paper-infested cart off to the side and pull out the next one. Hopefully, it won’t have a piece of paper in it as well. If it does, keep pulling until you get one that doesn’t.
Don’t bother replacing the discarded carts back into the stack. They are forever ruined and unusable.
#7 – Ride the Coin-Operated Rides
Ever want to ride in a Big Y World Class Market big rig? If you said “yes,” then you should probably work on your ambitions. Maybe shoot a little higher, you know?
For a mere 50¢, you can sit on this uncomfortable piece of metal while its vibrations shake the contents of your bowels loose. I don’t think I need to explain why this is awesome.
#6 – Check Out the Artisan Bread Selection
Bread. So many shapes and sizes and flavors. There are literally baskets full of bread. You want rye? They’ve got three different kinds of rye: seeded, seedless, and marble. You want a kaiser roll? How about a bulky roll? I dare you to explain the difference to me.
Big Y World Class Market bakes so much goddamn bread each and every day. There is no possible way for them to sell all this bread. Most people can’t even afford this bread. I know I can’t. But that doesn’t stop me from perusing their selection. And it shouldn’t stop you, either.
Go ahead. Check ’em out. And then pick up the Buy 1 Get 1 Free loaves of Wonder Bread that aren’t fancy enough to display in a basket.
#5 – Check Out the Deli Meats and Cheeses
Big Y World Class Market has more deli meats and cheeses than a Frenchman’s closet. They not only allow you to choose how thick you want your meat/cheese sliced, but also how many slices you want. It’s crazy! They should sell everything this way!
Like, say I only wanted to purchase a single bowl of cereal. And say I wanted that bowl to be equal parts Lucky Charms (marshmallows only), Fruity Pebbles, and Rice Krispies. I should be allowed to do that!
Why do we, as consumers, allow this kind of Total Buying Freedom to be limited only to the deli counter? How did this happen? When will we stand up and demand change? When will I be able to buy my applesauce by the handful? How did we let them steal our freedom?
#4 – Give the Lobsters a Taste of Freedom
As I mentioned above, I am an environmentalist. I hate seeing animals stuck in captivity – even if that captivity is World Class captivity. So every once in a while I take a stand, and I do it for the animals. Here’s what I do:
I go to the seafood counter and I order up some live lobsters. They weigh them, pack them up, and hand them over. I put them in my cart and continue on with the rest of my shopping. Or so it seems.
I actually make my way over to the Kosher section of the international aisle. I clear out a little section behind the whitefish, unpack my lobsters, and when the coast is clear, I set them free into the little Kosher sanctuary I’ve created. I make sure I leave some motzo crumbs for sustenance and I re-shelf the cans of fish in front of them.
I’ve been doing this for months now, and I’ve got a pretty good-sized lobster colony going in aisle seven – right under their oppressor’s noses. You should try it out, too. See how big of a colony you can create. You just might be surprised by what you can accomplish.
#3 – Look at the Unreasonably Large Canned Tomato Selection
I can count the number of times I’ve bought canned tomatoes on one hand. Apparently, I’ve been living my life all wrong. How else can I explain the vast amounts of canned tomatoes that Big Y World Class Market keeps in stock? There must be some kind of demand that warrants this ridiculous supply. That’s just basic economics, right?
A full three-quarters of aisle ten is taken up by various kinds of canned tomatoes. Stewed tomatoes (both regular and Italian style). Diced tomatoes (regular, Italian, and Mexican varieties). Peeled tomatoes. Quartered Tomatoes. Tomato paste. The list goes ON and ON. Can upon can upon can!
There has to be some kind of secret, monumental demand for canned tomatoes out there. There are no fewer than seven different companies that are all competing for a slice of this canned tomato market. And they all seem to be doing quite well for themselves. What the hell is going on here? What else am I oblivious to?
#2 – Use These Unconventionally Shaped Coupons
You can’t be world class without coining your own currency. So naturally, Big Y World Class Market has done so, but in the most annoying manner possible.
Basically, these coins are just coupons that allow you to access a variety of “special” discounts throughout the store. For example: if you use a silver coin, you can get a full 35¢ off of a loaf of artisan bread. If you use a gold coin, that savings is upped to a whopping 75¢.
This system breaks down, however, because I am constantly “earning” new coins. So when I check out, I end up using three coins, but then I get five coins back. So what’s the point, Big Y World Class Market? Why do you make me carry around a pocket full of stupid plastic coins every time I shop at your store? You should just give me the deals and forgo this stupid customer loyalty scheme you have going.
This is not world class behavior. You are better than this.
#1 – Try to Carry All of the Groceries in One Trip
Okay, so technically, this isn’t really something you do while at Big Y World Class Market. This is about how you handle the aftermath of your world class shopping excursion.
The goal here is to carry all of your groceries into your house, in one trip. It requires careful planning, dexterous fingers, and an iron will to succeed. Depending on what you bought (like, say, thirteen different cans of tomatoes for God knows why), this can be a herculean task.
The good news is, the only person you are competing against is yourself. So if you don’t really give a shit, then no one really gives a shit.
And so concludes my list of the Top 9 Things to Do at Big Y World Class Market. Hopefully, I’ve given you some good ideas that will make your next shopping experience the best it can be. If anyone reading this has any idea what the hell is up with all the canned tomatoes, enlighten me by leaving a comment.
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