I’ve worked some shitty jobs in my day. Shitty jobs with shitty desks and shitty coworkers. There were even times when I was worried that my shitty coworkers were messing with the personal trinkets that I kept in and on my shitty desk. I needed protection. I needed piece of mind.
This desk gorilla is everything I was looking for. It is firm, imposing, and incredibly soft to the touch. It feels like one of those lucky rabbit’s foot key chains that my barbarian parents let me have when I was a kid and didn’t know any better. But this ain’t no rabbit. And it ain’t no key chain. It’s 100% ape.
I named my desk gorilla Grumps (shout out to Paul for the suggestion) even though his disposition is best described as stoic. He’s an ape of very few words. Mainly because he lacks any kind of vocal chords. He does, however, have feet.
I once worked at a bank and had this manager who listened to motivational self-help CDs. One day, she came into work with a strong determination to do something managerial. Telling me that I had to remove Grumps from my desk is what she decided to go with. She said he made my desk look “unprofessional.”
She was a Manager who was managing, so Grumps had to go incognito for a while. I hid him behind my printer. Most apes would have been outraged by this blatant disrespect. Most apes would have descended into a shit-flinging fury. But not Grumps. Grumps is a consummate professional. He understands that work comes before pride (unlike a certain Tony Robbins acolyte).
These days, I don’t work a shitty job anymore. All of my coworkers are fantastic people (the ones who have access to my desk, anyways) and I’m allowed to keep my work space as unprofessional as I see fit. But don’t you dare think that Grumps has been slacking. Not for one second! He is devoted to his duty and vigilantly guards my desk in the sexiest manner possible.
If you ever need a gorilla to guard your desk, I highly recommend Grumps. But he’s mine. So step off.
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