My Star Wars Theory That Will Destroy Your Idea of Theories, Star Wars, and Life Itself


For shit’s sake! Every other day it seems like a new GROUNDBREAKING fan theory comes along that totally DESTROYS everything I ever knew about Star Wars.

  • Luke Skywalker turned to the Dark Side in Return of the Jedi.
  • Kylo Ren is only pretending to have turned to the Dark Side so he can get close to Lord Emperor Supreme Grande Snoke.
  • Rey is Leia’s daughter who she somehow forgot she gave birth to.

And on and on and on. The one thing all of these theories have in common? I didn’t come up with them. So it’s time I gave the whole Star Wars Click-Bait Article thing a whirl. After all, I have a brain capable of coming up with dumb shit to write. Why not put it to use?


My Theory About  Stuff That Happened and Stuff That Is Going to Happen


Buckle up, assholes!  I’ve got a new super-weapon of conjecture that’s aimed squarely at your EVERYTHING YOU KNOW and I’m about to fire this bitch!




Okay so The Force Awakens establishes a few things:

  1. Luke was the last Jedi at the end of Episode VI
  2. Luke started training a new batch of Jedi shortly thereafter
  3. Some bad shit happened (hello, Kylo Ren) and Luke turned to the Hermit Side

So what happened? Where is this going? Can this all be explained in a convoluted and most-likely-incorrect way? Sure it can!

The Force is sort of a big deal in the Star Wars universe. It has two sides: the Light and the Dark. We’ve heard this prophecy about a Chosen One who brings balance to the Force and we are led to believe that it was Darth Vader.

But if that’s the case, tell me: exactly when and how did Vader do that? When he killed the Emperor? Seems like murder isn’t exactly a virtuous act. In fact, a lot of the things these supposed Light Siders do are morally questionable. Mind control? Cutting off people’s arms in bar fights? Slaughtering Dooku’s bug-alien army? This is the Light Side? This is Pure Goodness?




I smell bullshit. And you know what? I think Luke smells the same bullshit I do.

As the Last Jedi, Luke would become a sort of Force Pope, right? He would become the sole teacher of its ways and would basically get to shape its doctrine in whatever way he saw fit. I think his first decree was: there is no Light Side and Dark Side. The concept of good and evil is actually nuanced, people! Dark deeds can be used to advance Light agendas, and vice versa. Like in his final battle with Vader, Luke used his anger to overpower his foe. He used the Dark Side to achieve a benevolent goal. He achieved… balance.

I think Luke decided that the Jedi don’t have to forsake the Dark Side. Rather, they can learn to incorporate it into their Good Guy ways. Like, the Force just exists, you know? The powers it grants aren’t inherently good or evil; it’s the way those powers are used that determine their virtue. (So like, Yoda could have been using Force Lightning to fight Dooku instead of just throwing big stupid rocks.) Again… balance.

So Pope Luke the First starts training these new Jedi. He teaches them not to fear the Dark Side. When his students feel its pull, they don’t just outright resist and reject it. They explore it. They use it. And you know what? It’s working. IT’S WORKING! 




Until Ben Solo explores the Dark Side a little too much, loses control, and ends up killing everyone. Oh shit! And who’s fault is it? Who encouraged this exploration of the Dark Side in the first place?




Yup. Turns out, Luke’s Papal Decree was wrong. Turns out, his reasoning was flawed. Turns out, he was a big stupid jerk with stupid jerk thoughts that turned his nephew into a murderous psycho. Good one, Skywalker!

That’s why he exiles himself. Not only did he screw up his nephew, but he still feels the Dark Side within himself and he is worried that it’s only a matter of time before he starts killing people.

I think Episode VIII will deal with Rey convincing Luke that he was right all along. That his idea of the nature of the Force is correct and that balance can be achieved. That the galaxy is full of gray and the whole Light/Dark dichotomy is only a matter of perspective.

Then they’ll blow up a new Death Star and live happily ever after.


Check out all of my other articles here.

Author: mr8bit

I buy stupid things and write stupid reviews. My Spirit Shark is the Goblin Shark because it looks so stupid.

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1 Comment

  1. How does this reconcile with the proof that Jar Jar is a Sith lord and that The Emperor really cloned himself to make Anakin? Watch out now!

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