Lone Survivor (PC) Review

I’m tired. I’m hungry.

What game came to mind when you read that? If you thought of Decap Attack, you need to give that game a rest already. The game I’m here to tell you about today is Lone Survivor, a game that’s extremely easy for me to relate to.

lone survivor 1

The lone survivor is:

  • always hungry
  • always tired
  • always talking to himself
  • has no idea what he’s doing with his life
  • and whenever he shows up anywhere, everyone freaks out and tries to kill him

In other words Lone Survivor-san and I are one and the same. In my next life I’m aiming to be adorable, run an item shop, save the town, and make lots of friends (and fat stacks of cash)… but the cold reality is all this karma of mine is sending me straight to the dreary world of 2D Silent Hill 2, where everything’s gloomy and there’s all these mutant people things shambling about. This game is a lot like Silent Hill 2, but without interesting characters or a plot. Also, it’s 2D, and you have to eat food every half-minute or you’ll start whining about it constantly. I don’t get why Lone Survivor is so anxious to eat another packet of prawn crackers so soon, but I suppose that’s all part of the mystery. But why is it that 90% of the food comes in cans, but you don’t have a can opener? If you have a mouth, you must scream.*

*FUN FACT: There actually is a can opener you can find early on, but I missed it and went about the entire game without it. So I had quite the cache of canned goods on my person for the vast majority of my survivorship. How ironic! Am I right?

There’s something about video games having lots of food lying around on the ground BTW

There’s something about video games having lots of food lying around on the ground BTW

The actual gameplay of this thing involves you walking around, shooting monsters, hiding from monsters, and luring monsters to various places with fat stacks of rotten meat. (There’s another thing L.S. and I have in common–our refrigerators contain an endless supply of rotten meat.) The other half of the gameplay involves finding mirrors that transport you back to your room so that you can get some sleep; walking around for an entire five minutes is quite exhausting after all, so you definitely need a nap. I imagine a lot of games would become more realistic if they included this feature. Every time Assassin’s Creed climbs up a particularly tall building (say, three or four stories), he will naturally gain the urge to curl up into a ball and cat-nap the afternoon away, so hopefully there’s a mirror at the top that will mind-whoosh him back to his room.

Sleep is for the weak

Sleep is for the weak

L.S. is a unique protagonist in that he wears a face mask. But here is a little trick–you can do what a friend of mine did and say “Hey, looks like he has a giant grin!” And guess what, now you can’t unsee it. Your good friend L.S. has become a living, breathing meme: a fresh new take on the classic lol face.

Lol Survivor

Lol Survivor

The great thing about L.S.(D.) is that he hallucinates and might be insane or dreaming everything or just be stuck in a pixelated video game, so in theory that adds to the psychological element of this little survival horror rumpus. Maybe? Am I right?

I don’t know. I’ve read various theories online about what Lone Survivor is supposed to be about. It’s all really vague though, and a lot of the interpretations seem to be a huge stretch. More significantly, I just can’t care enough about anything presented in the game to really bother making the attempt, so it’s all a moot point from the start. Lone Survivor is simply not very spooky, is too obtuse for its own good, and is not engaging in a way that feels fresh or
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So I fell asleep while writing this review, and when I woke up it was like this. I kind of like it. It seems fitting for this game. I’m going to leave it as-is.

lone survivor 3

Author: Reset Tears

Giantfly is killed. You gained 30 experience points. Giantfly had a treasure chest. Do you want to open it? (Yes) There are 98 mesetas inside.

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