Jurassic Park III (2001) Review

Jurassic. Park. Three. ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAARRR!!! But once again, there’s no park. And once again, we have a film in which a handful of dumbasses run away from dinosaurs. But this time, the film decided to cut to said chase much more quickly, since JP3 has no plot to get in the way of the chompings.

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“Uhhh… Did you do something with your hair? Looks good.”

Money-bucks is what got Grant to go to Jurassic Park, and that’s his motivation for going to The Lost World‘s dinosaur island in this film as well. Two boring characters con him into it so they can rescue their (boring) son who ended up there somehow, and then they all go there, and there are dinosaurs, and chomp-chomp-chomp, ka-booooom!!!, and then they leave. That’s the film, for good and for ill. Mostly ill, but hey… at least they didn’t try to pretend to have some serious story like The Lost World, and decided to focus on what they (apparently) know best: having people run away from dinosaurs.

Instead of the T-Rex, this film decided to go with something called a spinosaurus… which is basically a T-Rex, but with a huge fin and a crocodile head. I guess that’s okay. I would’ve gone with a shark head, personally. And maybe give it wheeley feet, so it can sort of glide down hills and stuff really fast?

Anyways, the fact there’s no plot in this film makes it a bit difficult to say much about it. It’s just a bunch of action sequences, one after another. It’s all so constant and in-your-face, that hardly any of it holds any weight at all. Jurassic Park had plenty of thrilling moments, but it also had a thing called pacing, which enabled its action bits to hold any meaning.

Jurassic Park III finally gives us the bird

Jurassic Park III finally gives us the bird

But hey, I’ll give credit where credit is due. Jurassic Park III actually has one sequence that sticks out to me: the attack of the pterodactyls! They were big and scary, and could fly, and were apparently not pterodactyls. Because that’s not a thing, apparently. There are “pterosaurs” like pterodactylus, but that thing is a damn pipsqueak–what this movie had were pteranodons. But apparently the film did a pteroble job depicting said dinosaur.

Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha… Ha… Ha…

...

WHAT.

MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE.

High points:

  • Pteradacticapticars!!!
  • The film at least seems to recognize it’s just a dumb action flick
  • Grant is okay in this, and has a few okay lines

Low points:

  • YFW you realize Spinosaurus is just the crocodile from Peter Pan
  • Dinosaurs! Chasing you! Every! Ten Seconds! Wow!
  • Some really annoying characters, even compared to The Lost World‘s cast
  • There is no plot
  • Sattler went and married some milquetoast… (WHY)
  • The movie’s just really forgettable, okay?

Bottom line:

The movie’s just really forgettable, okay?

Author: Reset Tears

Giantfly is killed. You gained 30 experience points. Giantfly had a treasure chest. Do you want to open it? (Yes) There are 98 mesetas inside.

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