Christmas is all about traditions. But this year, things felt a little bit… off to me. Somewhere along the line, somebody took all of the old traditions I was used to, slightly changed them, and made new Special Edition traditions. These changes didn’t all happen at once; it was a slow process over the past couple of years. But 2015 was the first time the cumulative weight of all these changes crushed my Christmas Cringle.
Things have changed! I’m confused and upset! Why have all of these damn computers and rap music decided to wage a war on my Christmas? Pull up your pants and get a job!
So let’s take a look at some of these new-fangled traditions and talk about how stupid they are.
The New Stupid Lights
God damn it. We now have technology that allows a normal, everyday household to put on extravagant light shows for their entire neighborhood to hate. And it’s available for purchase on QVC!
Is this some kind of plot cooked up by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra to boost royalty payments? God and Baby Jesus help you if you live close to one of these displays. Nothing clogs a street with scumbag townies and their scumbag babies faster than a free light show. Come spring, you’ll be fishing dirty diapers out of the storm drains.
Then there’s the other end of the decorating spectrum. What if you’re too lazy to string up lights, but you still want to inflict your obnoxious Christmas cheer on other human beings? Don’t worry! QVC once again has the solution!
That’s right! Just stick a projector on your front lawn and point that shit at your house. Honestly, this isn’t really a bad idea. I can get behind laziness. But is it possible to actually make it look decent? Not from what I’ve seen.
The Stupid Elf on the Shelf
God damn it. Why did we have to invent a new tradition of yuletide deceit? As if I don’t lie to my kids enough already! “Santa is watching.” “Daddy’s successful.” Now I gotta move a doll around my house, too?
Look at that thing. Did we decide that Annalee Dolls just weren’t creepy enough? What happened to his feet?
Possibly the worst byproducts of the Elf on the Shelf are the stupid social media posts of the elf doing “funny” things.
Oh look! The elf is drinking a beer! Ain’t that funny? Hey! Now he’s holding a dollar out for a stripping Barbie! Ha ha! Wait! Now he’s mainlining heroin and neglecting his infant daughter! Looks like someone is on the naughty list! LOL!
I hate everything.
The New Stupid Christmas Movies
God damn it. How many Christmas movie traditions do I need, exactly? It’s a Wonderful Life. A Christmas Story. Home Alone. Jack Frost.
Wait… Jack friggin’ Frost? What is this shit? Since when has anyone ever wanted to watch Jack Frost?
The Krampus? A throw-away joke from The Office now has its own movie?
Netflix keeps suggesting a seemingly endless list of Mario Lopez made-for-television Christmas movies. Just because it’s Christmastime doesn’t mean I want watch horrible shit, Netflix!
Do I have to pretend that Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever is required viewing in the month of December? DO I?
The Same Stupid Candy Canes
God damn it. Candy canes are the worst. Just the goddamn worst. They taste like toothpaste, but they rot your teeth. What kind of shit is that?
Candy canes are what’s wrong with America.
Stupid Make-Your-Own Christmas Card Templates
God damn it. Once again, technology has made great advances in ruining things. Now, with a few simple clicks of a button, you can upload your shitty cell phone pictures into any one of a thousand shitty templates.
PEACE⋅ HOPE⋅ JOY is the Christmas version of LIVE⋅ LAUGH⋅ LOVE. And hey, why not use that awesome Instagram sepia filter on the photo of you and your family standing in front of that old-timey pickup truck? It will look nice paired with earth-tone textures and twelve different fonts.
And barns! Always with the barns. Aren’t there any Christmas card templates that actually look like they have something to do with Christmas?
God damn it.
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