Battleship (2012) Review

Battleship is a dumb alien action movie based on a board game. But damn, if it isn’t one good dumb alien action movie based on a board game.

(It's like Pearl Harbor, but with ALIENS. Or in other words, like Pearl Harbor, but WAY BETTER.)

(It’s like Pearl Harbor, but with ALIENS. Or in other words, like Pearl Harbor, but WAY BETTER.)

Sometimes you put on a flick to watch with some friends, and you don’t expect it to be any good at all. You’re just wanting to pass the time and need something to make fun of for a couple hours. Gotta keep that wit sharp! Battleship was chosen one unassuming film night… and suffice to say, I was as pleasantly surprised as the time I blind-guessed C-7 to hit a destroyer for an opening move in a game of Battleship, the board game. That (probably) never really happened, but the point is this movie’s honestly not bad. Was I not entertained? To hell with the critics!

Now don’t get me wrong–Battleship is still a dumb movie. But it knows it’s dumb. And it takes pride in its dumbness. Battleship wants nothing more than to be a bombastic spectacle in which battleships take on alien oceancraft within a giant energy shield surrounding some circle of water near Hawaii. Alien weaponry includes the likes of a shredding hamster ball of doom, and digger missiles in the shape of giant pegs from the board game. And when the radar is knocked out, our protagonists manage to drive the board game adaptation home with an on-screen grid using tsunami tracking buoys to guess where the alien ships are hiding. It’s awesome.

C-7... Uno! Damn, do not pass go, do not collect a piece for the Mouse Trap.

C-7… Uno! Damn, do not pass go, do not collect a piece for the Mouse Trap.

There’s not much to the plot or characters, but hell, it’s a dumb alien action movie based on a board game. That of course does not excuse a poor script or annoying characters (things that far too many action flicks are guilty of having), but as luck would have it, Battleship manages to avoid these shortcomings in my incredibly humble opinion. The protagonist is an ass, but he gets a decent enough character development in which he has to work together with a Japanese ship captain (also an ass) in order to take down the Mass Effect aliens and save da world. And yes, this is all at Pearl Harbor–and yes, even the WWII battleship Missouri gets in on the action. It’s awesome.

Battleship Bros

Battleship Bros

That’s the theme for this review, okay? It’s dumb, but it’s awesome. A war veteran who lost his legs gets to head-butt an armored alien. Satellite communication apparently utilizes glowing laser beams. And just when you think you’ve seen it all, Rihanna is suddenly in the Navy. If you can just roll with all of this, you’re in for a treat in the final act, in which the action is cranked up to 11 and the biggest of the big damn heroes arrive.

High Points:

  • They made a movie for Battleship
  • They made a good movie for Battleship
  • I’m not saying it was aliens… but it was ALIENS
  • The film actually gives you some things to wonder regarding the aliens
  • Naval combat setup provides a bit more depth to the action than is typical

Low Points:

  • I mean, yeah, there’s plot holes and all manner of contrived situations
  • Somehow they didn’t include the line “You sunk my battleship!”
  • Somehow Rihanna never referenced any of her songs
  • Decent after-credits sequel hook will obviously never bear fruit

Bottom Line:

Battleship surprisingly makes for a great board game film adaptation, much like the classic Clue. Now we just need a good horror film for Hungry Hungry Hippos to complete the trifecta!

Author: Reset Tears

Giantfly is killed. You gained 30 experience points. Giantfly had a treasure chest. Do you want to open it? (Yes) There are 98 mesetas inside.

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